A Decade Nearly Past

I read today that we should accept "wrongness" in our lives. It'll make us happier.

I look back at my posts 9 years ago and think how raw I was. 5 years have past. I've assumed many identities: a wife, a mother of 2, a home owner and numerous others. Made and maintained many friends and acquaintances. But somehow I had lost myself. I lost that freedom and gain this "understanding"  (if that's what I can call it) I've aged but am still young.

A lot happened in those unrecorded 5 years. But I just went through the motions I didn't live it! I was trying to but I didn't live it. And the reason for it was simply hormonal. I had baby brain, something I was never sure of. But today I know. I can see my brain trying to claw back what intelligence it once had. I can see my memory absorbing information in a new way. I can pull random memories out that I didn't know I had. All thanks to hormones.

It's almost like I went through puberty again but this time it was just hormones making my brain dull instead of curious/angry. I don't know how to explain it.

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Raw unedited

What the Heart Wants the Heart Does Not Get

I like to sit by myself; my mind blank - free of thought.

It may stray to a certain moment in my left where I have clearly felt happiness.
A moment where my mind has not been there for quite some time.
I find comfort, and linger in this moment.
I don't want to share this with anyone else.
These are my thoughts, my moments, my time to be free of thought.


There it happened agian.
i'm off for

venting...

you have to like yourself before you let others like you.

i'm not happy with myself lately. I don't like the type of person i've changed into. Is this A's influence on me? Do i really want this?

I'm homesick. Therefor I should stay home. But my home is being invaded. I'm not the type of person I use to be. I'm harder to get along with now. I have more social inadequacies. I don't try so much anymore.
I'm tired.
I don't want a boyfriend today.
I want my friends.

Blogging - the reason why I do it.

I blog coz addy talked me into it.

I've also learnt to express my feelings and whats it nots that goes on in my life so that my friends can keep up to date. I tend to forget this is the www and thats opening up to many people I don't know.

And then I think: well, maybe these people reading in my blog can get something out of it for themselves. How would you position your self in my circumstances, how would you do things differently, would it be good if you could do the same things as I have?

But this form of self expression feels too impersonal and personal at the same time. I'm pouring out my emotions and keeping this blog more as a diary. And all you people read it. But then, its not like i'm gonna hide it from my friends; i'd tell them anyway what's happening in my life without hesitation.

So, in my confusion, I'm I'm gonna stop blogging and return to my usual diary and hopefully my friends and I will catch up like normal human beings. - face-to-face.

Pick up lines

So you free tonight or will it cost me?
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
Choo choo choose me! (Ralph giving Lisa a Valentine's day card)
You remind me of fast food. You make me want to take you out. (cool nodding)


Would u go out with someone if they said these things to you?

Gender Issues

Can guys and girls ever be purely good friends?
I believe you can.
But I was told that you can't. There would always be 'issues'.

like one person would be attracted and the other wouldn't.
Really?
I really can't be really good friends with a dude?

Why do I ask this? I'm moving to Canberra next year and my friend(male) has just found out he got a job there too! And I'd love to live together
a)coz he's awesome
b) and there's someone to do stuff with
c) I don't have to live with a stranger.

Can't it be like family?

The Break-Up

When is it an appropriate time to tell the person "I don't want to be with you anymore."?
How should you do this?
How do you do this well? I want 2 maintain a good relationship.

I guess it depends on the reasons why you do it too right?

Fairness. Fairness is the motivation around this break-up for me.
Being with someone in such a transitionary stage in life is unfair for the other person.
I'm leaving for Canberra next year; and in some ways I don't want to maintain the heartache from being away from a person I love and I'm guessing it would be the other way around too.
I can give everything except for a guarantee.
I've been very temper mental with Mr. F; unreasonable - basically everything you see the girl trying to do in "how to lose a guy in 10 days".
We are two very different people - Mr. F and I. And I think it's better for him to find someone more "suited".
Do I love him? Yes, but loves not enough for me. I don't regret my time with him, because it's been wonderful, even though I've been a total cow.
As I said before, maybe down the track, if it was meant to be then it'll be mine. I've been a total idiot, immature/childish, freakish even and he may not want me again. I'm actually really embarrassed from my behaviour as well. I have this little ounce of hope that when I get back from Canberra (that's if I do which I'm hoping I will) we both might still be single.
Nietzsche wrote something like:
"No one ever says, I don't want to be with you because I'm not good enough for you."
He's wrong, in some ways I think maybe I'm not good enough for him. Because I'm not willing to give enough for F; I've set up too many boundaries.
Time - I don't have sufficient time to offer this person good "quality time".
I don't treat him the way I'd like to be treated or the way he wants to be treated.
Our differences, he and I won't be able to accommodate for each other's life styles well. Maybe adjusting habits and behaviour to reach a median takes time in relationships. Maybe stubbornness(from both sides) + differences make things more difficult.
My mum was going to make me break up with this person; and for a second there I was going to cry because I didn't want to lose the opportunity. But she quickly changed her mind. Funny that – now I want the break-up.

I want to call him and tell him straight away but I'm not sure if I'm mentally prepared for this.
So I'm meant to see him this coming Friday. I'm going to try not to contact him until I see him on Friday. The guilt inside is bad. I make food and think I should give him some because I'm feeling so guilty, but that's actually more like saying I like you (gave him banana cake and sticky rice this weekend).
Do I tell him straight away? Do I let the night unravel and tell him at the end?
Tell him straight away.
Wish me good-luck!
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Just as a side note:
I went onto facebook today and my relationship status has disappeared. He is listed as single on facebook now. Funny that.
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In my alternate world:
I'd offer him to come with me to Canberra.
He can't afford many things at the moment because he's still studying. I want to look after him until her finishes his studies. That includes his living and other stuff - so that he has a free mind to write his thesis. And it would only be for 6 months not forever, that's how long it's going to take him to finish it. Its a great investment because he has a lot of potential. Then after that we can share stuff. Its the 21st century, its just whoever can afford what at the time. And then we can live happily ever after trying to solve our differences with many many *wuv wuvs* and fights.
But that's a fantasy world. And you can't predict the future.
I actually don't mind if he just leaves me afterwards either. Because then I've given something that I think is romantic - everything. And its sad not to get it in return but giving unconditionally feels good itself.

'The Shapes Dead Worms Make' by Stephen Clarke

For a while now I've noticed
The shapes dead worms make
On my garden path.
I believe they are letters of the alphabet
Random & a little abstract, I grant you,
But letters nonetheless.

I checked with the kids first,
Even though I know they have little facility
For such subtle mischief.
All they told me was that they'd done worms
In biology & as far as they knew
Even live ones can't spell.

I am writing this down because this morning
I found a definite dead worm letter 'S'
By the porch step. Not too unusual in itself,
I know, but half way down the path I found a letter 'O'
By the front gate there was another letter 'S'
Just outside my front gate a dead worm question mark.

My mind has cogitated all day
About the possible significance of this phenomenon.
Does Nature/Mother Earth have a consciouness?
Could it be, & I hesitate to commit this thought
To paper, that I am in receipt of a message
From God?

I am perplexed. I understand the need
For a code (God would not want to waste more worms
Than necessary). But what does it mean?
Why choose me? As an adviser to the secretary
For the minister of the environment
I have precious little power.

The Uncertainty of the Poet by Wendy Cope

I am a poet.
I am very fond of bananas.

I am bananas.
I am very fond of a poet.

I am a poet of bananas.
I am very fond.

A fond poet of 'Iam. I am' -
Very bananas.

Fond of 'Am I bananas?
Am I?' - A very poet.

Bananas of a poet!
Am I fond? Am I very?

Poet bananas? I am.
I am fond of a 'very'.

I am of very fond bananas.
Am I a poet?

FINALLY!

dreams

I remember why I needed a new journal now. I needed one to write donw wierd dreams that I have, coz I seem to be getting alot of dejavu moments lately.

last night I had 2 dreams. Can't remember the 1st now :(

but the 2nd one had somethng to do with Y.

All i can remember now is that I wanted to bring 2 bottles of water through a door but Y showed me that he already had one in his pocket for us. so i've chucked the bottles out.

Kinda wierd coz in my dream I knew that we weren't together anymore but he seemed physically close. hmmm...

And we walked through the door toghether and I woke up.

Answer my riddle.

What sinks below
and resurfaces
and will copiously continue to do so?

baby. BABY!

and so, my sister in-law has showed signs if labour.

I'm anxious, I'm exicted, I'm worried.

Waiting around piss me off!

Everyone should get pregnant!
I want a kid!

I'm so happy!

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGGGH!!!!!!

Keeping it real.

what does that mean?

so, my relationship with Mr. F has moved a tad bit further than I expected.
bf? I guess so. serious bf? I don't know. we'll just do stuff and see how it goes. How about that?

so...he's my bf(?). what now?

I stand on the shoulders of GIANTS!

- Isaac Newton -

If your foundation is good, you'll be even greater!
This is something Robert Nixon (university lecturer) said that caught my attention. Human captial can only grow further after it reaches a certain level. A year 6 student cannot possibly learn university math without having done high school math. And so, I can only improve my human captial at university when I have successfully completed high school - that certain level of education.

and so I stand on the shoulders of Giants.
Ad maiorum natus sum.

I make doctors feel awkward

Young male doctors are a fucking funny species. In other words DIMWITS!

Today I had to undergo a health assessment for work. And the doctor giving me the examination was white, young, and looked fairly geeky. He asks me the usual question in which the nurse had asked me. Then puts me behind curtains and asks me to strip leaving my underwear on, lay on the bench, and cover myself with a sheet. I'm like huh? (never had to do this before!) So i do as he says. Usually it takes me about a few months before I let a guy see me in my underwear, but he's a doctor no probs. I shrug it off and tell him: "Yep. I'm ready."
He walks in, looks at me here and there then says he has to check my heart.
ok.
He lifts up the sheets and starts blushing. obviously my boob is too big so he has to check around the boob. So why the hell does he have to lift up the sheet? Then he needs to check my stomache. Announces that he is going to touch me, blushes more, lifts up the sheet and exposes my upper half. Right now i'm thinking, just touch me from above the damn sheet, whats the difference. But its ok coz he's a doctor. BUT SHOP FUCKING BLUSHING! Might was well not have the sheet there in the first place.
Right now, if another male decides to fucking touch my body I'm gonna shred them to pieces.
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My family doctor is a old, traditional, vietnamese man. I went to ask for a referral to a gynaecologist. On this occasion this gp was away and his young son also a doctor was there instead. Young doctor blushes, "Your profile says your single.".
"Yes I am, but I have had sex." I straightforwardly say.
And the conversation just gets more awkward.

ALL ARROWS POINT TO ME!

YES, as most would know, I'm an attention whore!

And when the attention comes from Mr. D. OMG!

I was answering a question in class and he said my name. Asked for my opinion. he said he said... he said... "Sorry Carolyn," [he said CAROLYN he remembers my name! he does! argh!] "sorry Carolyn, what were you saying?" this is coz I got interrupted while making a correct statement.

This is so embarrassing, he must know. I couldn't answer the stupid fucking question coz I was too stunned looking at him and I couldn't stop smiling either. And he can see me smiling! And I about to burst out laughing everytime he looks at me. I was blushing... enough said I couldn't hide the smile. But he smiles back, I wonder why he smiles back - am i just imagining things? Did he look up the the year book for my name too? no... he's not as stalkerish as I am... and he has a gf. He wasn't wearing glasses today and messy hair.. makes Carolyn drool...pitty he wasn't wearing geeky clothing. He was trying for the homey look which kinda looks wrong on him - but i can live with that... I could just get him really drunk and get knocked up and force him 2 marry me! [wishful thinking here]

ITS NOT ENOUGH TO AIM. YOU MUST ALSO HIT!

Mum said as a child I never crawled. She said i was sitting, then I was standing and then I walked.
Mum said as a child I didn't talk. She said I watched people all the time, I talked jibberish for a month and then I talked proper sentences. My first sentence was "Auntie 4, I want some milk Auntie 4." in vietnamese obviously.
I use to sit infront of the toilet waiting for my brothers to finish so that I can go pee in the morning (at the age of 2 or 3, i rememeber this), and they'd pee standing up, so thats how i thought I had to pee. So I peed standing up until I was 7 until my mum caught me one day and asked me what I was doing.

what were your first steps and words like?

I feel sick! All I can talk about these days are about relationships. But those are the interesting things in life. You can chose not to read if you like though.

I'm sitting at uni late trying to study personal finance so I can impress him. lol this may just be my silly little infatuation but, HEY! i'm studying! wow! And i'm actually understanding! wow! Anyway, yeah... so.... but I can't help looking at my mobile once in a while hoping that Mr. F messages me. WTF is wrong with me? I know that Mr. F is free now, so I'm expecting him to see me, but I'm not going to see him by the looks of it. i'm silly.
No more guys for me from now on, only D and if D isn't available I'll have to just wait until another one just as good comes along. He might not be like D but he makes me feel good none the less. No-one else is worth it anymore, as in flings. But i'm gonna be devastated for a while when I find out I can't have anything with D. But life moves on, and there should be someone with just as many or more ticks in my heart. (hope I don't lapse, i've figured that i have a very weak will when it comes to guys)
My heart is sweet, I need someone to help me keep it sweet instead of tainting it the way I have been.
(p.s. just found out that he does have a gf)

5 things I miss about being in LOVE

1. The unconditional giving and receiving of actions and behaviours one provides for another in hope that your gestures will make that person’s life just that much easier.
   (Oh! - for you guys out there – when a chic is angry in either case at you or at someone/something or both, you should hold her, and don’t let go until she’s not angry anymore. Actually, don’t let go at all just hold her as long as you can, well at least until you can’t stand the pain of her biting you.)
2. Making love. (enough said)
3. The escape route, feeling that the world is only the two of you together.
4. The look… you know that look. Its that look you get when he sees you from far away...
5. The freedom of love, where it makes you feel like your heart melts and then floats outside of your body and expand like an epidemic through the world and you feel that everyone else should be loved and love another the way that I do. The possibilities! (he doesn't have to be there for this one)