A Decade Nearly Past

I read today that we should accept "wrongness" in our lives. It'll make us happier.

I look back at my posts 9 years ago and think how raw I was. 5 years have past. I've assumed many identities: a wife, a mother of 2, a home owner and numerous others. Made and maintained many friends and acquaintances. But somehow I had lost myself. I lost that freedom and gain this "understanding"  (if that's what I can call it) I've aged but am still young.

A lot happened in those unrecorded 5 years. But I just went through the motions I didn't live it! I was trying to but I didn't live it. And the reason for it was simply hormonal. I had baby brain, something I was never sure of. But today I know. I can see my brain trying to claw back what intelligence it once had. I can see my memory absorbing information in a new way. I can pull random memories out that I didn't know I had. All thanks to hormones.

It's almost like I went through puberty again but this time it was just hormones making my brain dull instead of curious/angry. I don't know how to explain it.

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Raw unedited

What the Heart Wants the Heart Does Not Get

I like to sit by myself; my mind blank - free of thought.

It may stray to a certain moment in my left where I have clearly felt happiness.
A moment where my mind has not been there for quite some time.
I find comfort, and linger in this moment.
I don't want to share this with anyone else.
These are my thoughts, my moments, my time to be free of thought.


There it happened agian.
i'm off for

venting...

you have to like yourself before you let others like you.

i'm not happy with myself lately. I don't like the type of person i've changed into. Is this A's influence on me? Do i really want this?

I'm homesick. Therefor I should stay home. But my home is being invaded. I'm not the type of person I use to be. I'm harder to get along with now. I have more social inadequacies. I don't try so much anymore.
I'm tired.
I don't want a boyfriend today.
I want my friends.

Blogging - the reason why I do it.

I blog coz addy talked me into it.

I've also learnt to express my feelings and whats it nots that goes on in my life so that my friends can keep up to date. I tend to forget this is the www and thats opening up to many people I don't know.

And then I think: well, maybe these people reading in my blog can get something out of it for themselves. How would you position your self in my circumstances, how would you do things differently, would it be good if you could do the same things as I have?

But this form of self expression feels too impersonal and personal at the same time. I'm pouring out my emotions and keeping this blog more as a diary. And all you people read it. But then, its not like i'm gonna hide it from my friends; i'd tell them anyway what's happening in my life without hesitation.

So, in my confusion, I'm I'm gonna stop blogging and return to my usual diary and hopefully my friends and I will catch up like normal human beings. - face-to-face.

Pick up lines

So you free tonight or will it cost me?
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
Choo choo choose me! (Ralph giving Lisa a Valentine's day card)
You remind me of fast food. You make me want to take you out. (cool nodding)


Would u go out with someone if they said these things to you?

Gender Issues

Can guys and girls ever be purely good friends?
I believe you can.
But I was told that you can't. There would always be 'issues'.

like one person would be attracted and the other wouldn't.
Really?
I really can't be really good friends with a dude?

Why do I ask this? I'm moving to Canberra next year and my friend(male) has just found out he got a job there too! And I'd love to live together
a)coz he's awesome
b) and there's someone to do stuff with
c) I don't have to live with a stranger.

Can't it be like family?

The Break-Up

When is it an appropriate time to tell the person "I don't want to be with you anymore."?
How should you do this?
How do you do this well? I want 2 maintain a good relationship.

I guess it depends on the reasons why you do it too right?

Fairness. Fairness is the motivation around this break-up for me.
Being with someone in such a transitionary stage in life is unfair for the other person.
I'm leaving for Canberra next year; and in some ways I don't want to maintain the heartache from being away from a person I love and I'm guessing it would be the other way around too.
I can give everything except for a guarantee.
I've been very temper mental with Mr. F; unreasonable - basically everything you see the girl trying to do in "how to lose a guy in 10 days".
We are two very different people - Mr. F and I. And I think it's better for him to find someone more "suited".
Do I love him? Yes, but loves not enough for me. I don't regret my time with him, because it's been wonderful, even though I've been a total cow.
As I said before, maybe down the track, if it was meant to be then it'll be mine. I've been a total idiot, immature/childish, freakish even and he may not want me again. I'm actually really embarrassed from my behaviour as well. I have this little ounce of hope that when I get back from Canberra (that's if I do which I'm hoping I will) we both might still be single.
Nietzsche wrote something like:
"No one ever says, I don't want to be with you because I'm not good enough for you."
He's wrong, in some ways I think maybe I'm not good enough for him. Because I'm not willing to give enough for F; I've set up too many boundaries.
Time - I don't have sufficient time to offer this person good "quality time".
I don't treat him the way I'd like to be treated or the way he wants to be treated.
Our differences, he and I won't be able to accommodate for each other's life styles well. Maybe adjusting habits and behaviour to reach a median takes time in relationships. Maybe stubbornness(from both sides) + differences make things more difficult.
My mum was going to make me break up with this person; and for a second there I was going to cry because I didn't want to lose the opportunity. But she quickly changed her mind. Funny that – now I want the break-up.

I want to call him and tell him straight away but I'm not sure if I'm mentally prepared for this.
So I'm meant to see him this coming Friday. I'm going to try not to contact him until I see him on Friday. The guilt inside is bad. I make food and think I should give him some because I'm feeling so guilty, but that's actually more like saying I like you (gave him banana cake and sticky rice this weekend).
Do I tell him straight away? Do I let the night unravel and tell him at the end?
Tell him straight away.
Wish me good-luck!
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Just as a side note:
I went onto facebook today and my relationship status has disappeared. He is listed as single on facebook now. Funny that.
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In my alternate world:
I'd offer him to come with me to Canberra.
He can't afford many things at the moment because he's still studying. I want to look after him until her finishes his studies. That includes his living and other stuff - so that he has a free mind to write his thesis. And it would only be for 6 months not forever, that's how long it's going to take him to finish it. Its a great investment because he has a lot of potential. Then after that we can share stuff. Its the 21st century, its just whoever can afford what at the time. And then we can live happily ever after trying to solve our differences with many many *wuv wuvs* and fights.
But that's a fantasy world. And you can't predict the future.
I actually don't mind if he just leaves me afterwards either. Because then I've given something that I think is romantic - everything. And its sad not to get it in return but giving unconditionally feels good itself.