Blogging - the reason why I do it.

I blog coz addy talked me into it.

I've also learnt to express my feelings and whats it nots that goes on in my life so that my friends can keep up to date. I tend to forget this is the www and thats opening up to many people I don't know.

And then I think: well, maybe these people reading in my blog can get something out of it for themselves. How would you position your self in my circumstances, how would you do things differently, would it be good if you could do the same things as I have?

But this form of self expression feels too impersonal and personal at the same time. I'm pouring out my emotions and keeping this blog more as a diary. And all you people read it. But then, its not like i'm gonna hide it from my friends; i'd tell them anyway what's happening in my life without hesitation.

So, in my confusion, I'm I'm gonna stop blogging and return to my usual diary and hopefully my friends and I will catch up like normal human beings. - face-to-face.

Pick up lines

So you free tonight or will it cost me?
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!
Choo choo choose me! (Ralph giving Lisa a Valentine's day card)
You remind me of fast food. You make me want to take you out. (cool nodding)


Would u go out with someone if they said these things to you?

Gender Issues

Can guys and girls ever be purely good friends?
I believe you can.
But I was told that you can't. There would always be 'issues'.

like one person would be attracted and the other wouldn't.
Really?
I really can't be really good friends with a dude?

Why do I ask this? I'm moving to Canberra next year and my friend(male) has just found out he got a job there too! And I'd love to live together
a)coz he's awesome
b) and there's someone to do stuff with
c) I don't have to live with a stranger.

Can't it be like family?

The Break-Up

When is it an appropriate time to tell the person "I don't want to be with you anymore."?
How should you do this?
How do you do this well? I want 2 maintain a good relationship.

I guess it depends on the reasons why you do it too right?

Fairness. Fairness is the motivation around this break-up for me.
Being with someone in such a transitionary stage in life is unfair for the other person.
I'm leaving for Canberra next year; and in some ways I don't want to maintain the heartache from being away from a person I love and I'm guessing it would be the other way around too.
I can give everything except for a guarantee.
I've been very temper mental with Mr. F; unreasonable - basically everything you see the girl trying to do in "how to lose a guy in 10 days".
We are two very different people - Mr. F and I. And I think it's better for him to find someone more "suited".
Do I love him? Yes, but loves not enough for me. I don't regret my time with him, because it's been wonderful, even though I've been a total cow.
As I said before, maybe down the track, if it was meant to be then it'll be mine. I've been a total idiot, immature/childish, freakish even and he may not want me again. I'm actually really embarrassed from my behaviour as well. I have this little ounce of hope that when I get back from Canberra (that's if I do which I'm hoping I will) we both might still be single.
Nietzsche wrote something like:
"No one ever says, I don't want to be with you because I'm not good enough for you."
He's wrong, in some ways I think maybe I'm not good enough for him. Because I'm not willing to give enough for F; I've set up too many boundaries.
Time - I don't have sufficient time to offer this person good "quality time".
I don't treat him the way I'd like to be treated or the way he wants to be treated.
Our differences, he and I won't be able to accommodate for each other's life styles well. Maybe adjusting habits and behaviour to reach a median takes time in relationships. Maybe stubbornness(from both sides) + differences make things more difficult.
My mum was going to make me break up with this person; and for a second there I was going to cry because I didn't want to lose the opportunity. But she quickly changed her mind. Funny that – now I want the break-up.

I want to call him and tell him straight away but I'm not sure if I'm mentally prepared for this.
So I'm meant to see him this coming Friday. I'm going to try not to contact him until I see him on Friday. The guilt inside is bad. I make food and think I should give him some because I'm feeling so guilty, but that's actually more like saying I like you (gave him banana cake and sticky rice this weekend).
Do I tell him straight away? Do I let the night unravel and tell him at the end?
Tell him straight away.
Wish me good-luck!
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Just as a side note:
I went onto facebook today and my relationship status has disappeared. He is listed as single on facebook now. Funny that.
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In my alternate world:
I'd offer him to come with me to Canberra.
He can't afford many things at the moment because he's still studying. I want to look after him until her finishes his studies. That includes his living and other stuff - so that he has a free mind to write his thesis. And it would only be for 6 months not forever, that's how long it's going to take him to finish it. Its a great investment because he has a lot of potential. Then after that we can share stuff. Its the 21st century, its just whoever can afford what at the time. And then we can live happily ever after trying to solve our differences with many many *wuv wuvs* and fights.
But that's a fantasy world. And you can't predict the future.
I actually don't mind if he just leaves me afterwards either. Because then I've given something that I think is romantic - everything. And its sad not to get it in return but giving unconditionally feels good itself.

'The Shapes Dead Worms Make' by Stephen Clarke

For a while now I've noticed
The shapes dead worms make
On my garden path.
I believe they are letters of the alphabet
Random & a little abstract, I grant you,
But letters nonetheless.

I checked with the kids first,
Even though I know they have little facility
For such subtle mischief.
All they told me was that they'd done worms
In biology & as far as they knew
Even live ones can't spell.

I am writing this down because this morning
I found a definite dead worm letter 'S'
By the porch step. Not too unusual in itself,
I know, but half way down the path I found a letter 'O'
By the front gate there was another letter 'S'
Just outside my front gate a dead worm question mark.

My mind has cogitated all day
About the possible significance of this phenomenon.
Does Nature/Mother Earth have a consciouness?
Could it be, & I hesitate to commit this thought
To paper, that I am in receipt of a message
From God?

I am perplexed. I understand the need
For a code (God would not want to waste more worms
Than necessary). But what does it mean?
Why choose me? As an adviser to the secretary
For the minister of the environment
I have precious little power.

The Uncertainty of the Poet by Wendy Cope

I am a poet.
I am very fond of bananas.

I am bananas.
I am very fond of a poet.

I am a poet of bananas.
I am very fond.

A fond poet of 'Iam. I am' -
Very bananas.

Fond of 'Am I bananas?
Am I?' - A very poet.

Bananas of a poet!
Am I fond? Am I very?

Poet bananas? I am.
I am fond of a 'very'.

I am of very fond bananas.
Am I a poet?

FINALLY!

dreams

I remember why I needed a new journal now. I needed one to write donw wierd dreams that I have, coz I seem to be getting alot of dejavu moments lately.

last night I had 2 dreams. Can't remember the 1st now :(

but the 2nd one had somethng to do with Y.

All i can remember now is that I wanted to bring 2 bottles of water through a door but Y showed me that he already had one in his pocket for us. so i've chucked the bottles out.

Kinda wierd coz in my dream I knew that we weren't together anymore but he seemed physically close. hmmm...

And we walked through the door toghether and I woke up.