Whats Yours Will be Yours. Love? Mine?

Take a bow.
...
I've always been in love with you.
the show is over say goodbye.
say goodbye.

I met this guy.
Had sex with him.
Was disgusted that I had sex with him... I vomited when I left his place. I can't tell if I was mentally or physically sick because the next day I vomited too and again on 2 other occasions; I've also never had casual sex before so this was an interesting experience. (you have to understand that i've been really sick for the past 3 weeks and i hadn't been getting better. I've been coughing heaps... and it gets to a point where I cough so much i want to vomit) Why did I vomit? still not sure.
Had sex with him again and it was good sex! (no vomit this time)
Had sex with him for the third time - it wasn't so great but he started showing me more about him. He didn't say much but I can tell that he's a little bit better than me in most aspects. He's older, more experienced, more honest, smarter, more stubborn... just more than me; he's more complete even if he's not rich but he's rich in almost all other aspects. He's even got more love to give. This is where i started to feel scared because I could love this character. He asked me to stay the night, called me an idiot after telling him I need to end whatever that was happening. I feel like an idiot - I don't follow my heart.

Next morning I went out and bought wool to knit him a scarf; also bought 'Something to Remember'-Madonna. I wanted to send the scarf to him (snail mail). I wasn't sure if I wanted to give it to him or not, but I started knitting. It calmed me down, and I knew while I was knitting it was the right decision to end whatever that was happening, I won't get hurt. I've been hurt alot. I don't want to be hurt again.

Do I just want to love someone? I want to give love. Why can't I concentrate that love for my family? Why does it have to be for a romantic ...

So, today was the 2nd day of knitting this scarf. I watched "the family stone" during this time... I'm scared of losing my mum. I should be spending as much with her as possible. I think I will be very unhappy knowing that i didn't spend enough time with my mother. She needs to receive more love from her children we've only caused her grief. I'm scared that I might not have enough time to show her I love her. If I let myself love someone romantically it would cut into the time that I could spend with my mum. Noone is worth enough to do that. But would my mum be happy knowing that i'm sacrificing true love for her (true love in general not this case in particular)? For Cindy? For studies as well? Anyway, so i'm knitting this scarf and I've finished it; I just have to put tassles on and tidy it up and... he messages me again and i can't resist but go back to see him again. (he doesn't like me enough to call(don't know if that should be a statement or question.))
(at this point of have Norah Jones singing in my head "lines on your face don't bother me.... I've got to see you gain!")

What was I drawn to? The attention? The sex? Him?

This time we do not have sex.
I lived in that moment.

I left his place crying. He didn't see me cry. It hurt more walking away from him than it did walking away from my 3 year relationship.

I do have my monthly friend, so these thoughts and emotions might not even be true(?).